


The List

by knarcelestial



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: 2 am Spidepool fics like, Crossdressing Kink, Cuddles, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Kinks, Lists, M/M, Mild Angst, Protective Steve Rogers, Protective Tony Stark, Protective Wade Wilson, Smol Bun Peter, Superhusbands, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, barely, happy fic, sex fantasies, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-06-02 14:28:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19443316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knarcelestial/pseuds/knarcelestial
Summary: Wade lists a few very important things to remember along the way.





	1. Pt. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by my two cute friends lolz

**Big, V. Imp Things to Remember 'bout Petey:**

1\. Introduce self before entering bedroom after 2 am. Failure in doing so will result in web bomb to the crotch.   
  
2\. DO NOT let him convince you to pull an allnighter: he’ll be late for college the next day and then it’s just water works for days   
  
3\. To end water works: two packs of sour patch kids, three stacks of homemade pancakes (Canadian maple syrup ONLY), drop by May’s for Harry Potter DVDs  
  
4\. Favorite food: chocolate.   
  
5\. DRINKING COFFEE WITH ABUNDANT AMOUNT OF CHOCOLATE INTAKE IS A NO-NO.   
  
6\. Binging sugar at _all_ is a no-no.   
  
7\. Sit silently on couch when Peter ~~complains~~ confides with Dad about you; talking back will bare forth frightening consequences= no sexy times for four days!!!! :(   
  
8\. Do not walk into Friday Family Dinners with any sort of ~~ego~~ personality.   
  
9\. Petey’s Pops is not to be messed with; he will punch you through a couch   
  
10\. Harry is just a friend. Harry is just a friend. Harry is just a friend. Harry is just a friend.   
  
11\. ~~Stab~~ Kick Flash in the dick on sight.   
  
12\. When (angry) distressed: carry to gym, place in front of reinforced punching bag  
  
13\. When (sad) distressed: bundle with warm blanket, light up Ocean Breeze candle, pepper with kisses _everywhere_ , fuck if necessary   
  
14\. Domestic kinks: Baby Boy^Tm, size kink, strength kinkkk, praise kink, light spanking, fOoD KINK OMG   
  
15\. To quickly make him lose control, dirty talk in low, gravelly, Dom voice (do not try in public, may result in dry-humping, scratch that waht the fuck Wade, absolutely DO try that in public)  
  
16\. Bedroom kinks: bondage, cross-dressing, collar kink, light choking, heavy spanking, sensory deprivation (on special occasions)   
  
17\. Only buy Spongebob band-aids, other types do not “heal” properly  
  
18\. Don’t let him do the grocery shopping, literally will buy anything but healthy food   
  
19\. Leprechauns are _not_ stealing your hoodies, it’s Peter   
  
20\. Note to self: when under siege from puppy dog eyes, do not give in   
  
21\. I SAID NOT TO GIVE IN WTF WADE. That hot air balloon just cost you $$$$$$  
  
22\. Sign up for self discipline classes.   
  
23\. Update secret Spideypool Tumblr blog with cute pics.   
  
24\. Remember to separate whites from colors or undies will most definitely come out purple (red+blue=purpleyyyyy)  
  
25\. Take Suits to dry cleaners at least twice a week  
  
26\. Asking for seksy times when he’s chopping veggies is just asking for a knife in the foot honestly   
  
27\. Force him to go to the Mall with MJ every other week, the gurl’s got Taste (aka Bambi always comes back with _the most_ fuckable outfits)  
  
28\. Wash hoodies sparingly: smell comforts him   
  
29\. Comb through those purty, curly brown locks when he’s napping on top of you, it’ll cause him to purr like a cat and sweater paws will continue to get adorable   
  
30\. IF OSBORN GETS A YACHT, THEN I GET A YACHT PERIOD   
  
31\. Return boat.  
  
32\. Wrap hand around nape and rub to calm down when nervous in public  
  
33\. Buy him sexy nurse costume for Halloween, be the sekssssy doctor ;)   
  
34\. Return sexy nurse costume :( Buy “appropriate” costumes for party :((((((   
  
35\. Do NOT let him have more than four drinks:  
a. Four drinks acceptable bc of advanced metabolism= one and a half drink as regular human= Petey's a lightweight that must be protecc at all costs 

  
36\. ~~Peter is not allowed to wear shorts to parties, some rando literally nutted at the club ‘cause baby boy was looking like the Ultimate snacc~~  
  
37\. Peter isn’t property and shouldn’t be told what to do. I respect that. I respect that a lot.   
  
38\. Buy LEgo DeATh stAR for Peter and Ned’s MoVIe nIGht?????  
  
39\. Coming back from a mission, make sure all body parts are _intact_ ; if not, honey bun will drop everything for a week and play (not even a sexy) nurse until you heal   
  
40\. Failure in reporting own sadness will result in an hour long lecture about mental health and self care   
  
41\. Asking to be the small spoon every once in a while is okay   
  
42\. Being sad is okay  
  
43\. Letting him take care of you is okay   
  
44\. Not being okay is _okay_!!!!   
  
45\. Remember to drop off Petey at ballet class before heading to Therapist every Thursday!   
  
46\. When getting secret gifts make sure not to purchase on the freaking joint account credit card. dumb. ass. dumbass.   
  
47\. Get hands on some $$$$ cash   
  
48\. Browse jewelry stores to find the Right One  
  
49\. Get down on one knee   
  
50\. Propose. 


	2. pt. 2

Big, V. Imp Things to Remember:

51\. Stop drinking dumb fuck juice at ass o’ clock in da morning

52\. Proposing every other day will lead to ‘Boy who cried wolf” sich, baby boy will not believe you serious, you dum hoe

53\. DO NOT propose with cock ring next time. Will lead to above troubles. Find actual ring (made of silver)

54\. Referencing Spidey in third person around male partner is a touchy subject, male partner will get pissed

55\. OK LITERALLY HIDE THE SUGAR. CANCEL THAT, STOP BRINGING SUGAR INTO THE HOUSE AT ALL.

56\. Day 2 without any sugar: Peter has gone missing. I am slowly wasting away with nothing else to live for.

57\. KNOWN HIDING SPOT LOCATION #32: closet of guest bedroom #3

**Memo Notes:**

  * **HE’S BEEN IN THERE FOR 16 HOURS AND COUNTING. I TRIED TO HAUL HIM OUT AND HE ALMOST TORE MY LIMB OFF?!?!?!?**


  * **I called Tony. Told me I royally fucked up, said he knew i was always a waste of a brain hole. Is currently on his way over with MJ, Steve, and May aka Peter Protection Squad**


  * **Okay so like literally this is not my fucking fault. All five of them are camped out in my fucking guest room fucking closet rn??? AND AREN’T COMING OUT?!??!?!!? No pun intended ;)**


  * **Bought a bag of caramel popcorn at the seven-eleven on the corner of the street. Currently sitting outside of the door. Closet entrance is in sight. Targets are nowhere to be seen. WTF HOW BIG IS THAT DAMN CLOSET.**


  * **If whoever finds this doesn’t hear from me again, I’ve been eaten by my depraved boyfriend, his father, his other father, his aunt, and his badass best friend. About ready to engage popcorn launch in target range.**


  * **The situation is worse than I thought. I saw an avid flash of canines, a wrist flicked out of the crack in the closet. The popcorn kernel is gone, and all is silent. I think this is how the zombie apocalypse starts.**


  * **Day 4: I don’t know but the taste of water on my dry tongue, for food now is the calming breaths that regail my sailing winds of hunger**


  * **^^^**


  * **Yeah. I’m going nuts sitting outside of this door.**


  * **Day 4.5: SO I GAVE IN AND WENT INSIDE OF THE ROOM BECAUSE ENUF WAS ENOUGH AND GUESS WHAT I FUCKING FOUND. THE DOUBLE DOORS THAT I THOUGHT LED TO THE GUEST BEDROOM CLOSET ACTUALLY LEAD TO THE BATHROOM. THE FIVE OF THEM CLIMBED OUT OF THE WINDOW AND LEFT THE ROOM THREE DAYS AGO.**


  * **Peter rejected my trying to break up with him after this.**


  * **hE RIGHT DoE**



Big, V. Imp Things to Remember:

  
58\. Buy his favorite lilac panties and surprise him! (KNUTTTT UGHSDJHF)

59\. Take appointment at optometrist this week, baby boy needs spectacles!

**Memo Notes:**

  * **Okay so we just got hoem from da doctor’s office and PETER GOT GLASSES AND FUQ ME UP BABY LJDHSFKJD. I nutted when he put em on for the first time. Might be a kink.**


  * **Fuck. now all i can think about is pinning him down beneath me and edging him until he’s begging for me to let him come. But i won’t let him. I’ll tease him until he’s right at the brink and then watch him squirm. That’s when he’ll start sweating. I’ll flip us around, tell him to take what he needs, but I know he’ll whine. He’s always hates doing the work himself. Always loves being taken care of. So i’ll fold my arms behind my head and settle down until he understands that i’m not giving into his bratty, pleading moans. He’ll pout for a second or two but his need for release will eventually overpower him and he’ll sink onto me, ride me until he’s coming without being touched.**


  * **And all this time, he’ll be wearing those glasses. Metal, brown, round, wired glasses that frame his sharp angled face beautifully. They’ll be fogged up, steamy from his breath and mine combined. Cloudy from our body heat. Little droplets will trickle down when he’s on top. He’ll cry when he comes and that’s when i’ll rip ‘em off. Lean forward and lick away those salty rivulets on his cheeks.**


  * **oof. Yeah, _definitely_ a kink. **



60\. Buy new handcuffs. (NOT KINKY ONES YOU SICK FUCKS, IZ FOR DA CRIMINALS. I know what you nasties be thinking about.) 

61\. Don't take Peter to Sis Margie's, baby will attract unwanted attention if I so much as look away to tie my shoelace 

62\. BUY TWINK REPELLANT SPRAY. SPRAY ALL OVER WEASEL'S BAR. 

**Memo Notes:**

  * **so apparently they don't make Twink repellant spray. I went to hobby lobby and checked. I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING MYSELF AROUND HERE HUH.**


  * **Marked up baby boy pretty good during our last sexy time sesh. even his tallest turtle neck won't be able to cover up those hickies now ;)**


  * **HE WORE A SCARF.**


  * **HE WORE A FUCKING SCARF.**


  * **I hate myself.**



**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, should I continue this as a series or something? Hm, comment below.


End file.
